Im Desperate for Him to Like Me Again

Not Interested in Dating Someone? Just Say And so.

Michael S. Sorensen

FYI, I'1000 not formally educated or licensed as a therapist, counselor, social worker, psychologist, or healthcare professional person, though much of what I teach is informed by these. Curious well-nigh my background? Read my bio.

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I've made it a goal to go out on at to the lowest degree one date per week for the past couple of years, and in doing and then, have met hundreds of fantastic people. By and large, these are showtime dates, and simply first dates. Every once in a while, though, I come across a adult female who I'd like to continue dating. And every one time in a while, she ends up feeling the aforementioned way and information technology turns into a great relationship. (Sugariness.)

I also become the occasional woman that I'm interested in, who doesn't show the same interest in me. (Not so sweetness.) And yet, that's dating. I don't go too broken upwardly about it.

In those instances, however, there is 1 thing I wish were different: that people would be more direct when they're simply non interested.

Walking the line.

Nosotros as men walk a fine line in pursuing women—that of existence the confident, manly man who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to go for it, without becoming the drastic, needy human who can't accept a hint.

What makes walking this line so hard, though, is the fact that some women play hard-to-get in hopes that the human will pursue her harder, while others play hard-to-get in hopes that the human being will "go the hint" and leave them alone!

Encounter any bug here?

Over the years, I've learned to not make assumptions. If I'm getting mixed signals, I'll just ask her where she's at. I'll be honest with my hopes (due east.g. "Hey, I savor spending time with you, and would like to continue getting to know you") and give them an out if they're not feeling the same manner (e.yard. "and still, if you're non interested, goose egg hard feelings. I'd just similar to know where yous're at.")

When I've had that conversation, some women tell me that they're simply not interested (cracking—no more than guessing), while others admit they are interested, only take been playing hard-to-get because "otherwise, you men lose interest!"

What? Okay, sure. At that place is some psychological something around wanting what yous tin can't have, but dating is confusing plenty without having to play that game. Can't we only we spare it?

Let'south exist real.

Instead of playing games, or trying to "not hurt the other person's feelings," I'm a proponent of kind, genuine honesty. If you lot'd like to keep dating someone, say so! If not, say and so. Don't "ghost" the person (i.eastward. finish returning their calls or texts) and don't feed them endless excuses if they keep request yous out.

This goes for both men and women.

At present to exist fair, telling someone that you're not interested is much easier said than done. I exercise not envy women, equally they're ofttimes the ones being pursued, and therefore the ones having to figure out how to let the guy downwardly like shooting fish in a barrel. I've been there before—pursued by women I'thousand not interested in—and letting them downwards is tough. I'm always tempted to just requite excuses or draw information technology out until they "get the hint."

But that'southward not honest. It'south not genuine. And you know what? It's not fifty-fifty kind. Ignoring or avoiding someone when they're clearly interested in you lot just prolongs an uncomfortable situation for the both of you. Whatis the kind thing to do? Let them know you're not interested.

Simply how?

Recently, I had a woman text me after a first date and tell me she'd honey to do something again sometime. Not wanting to hurt her feelings, I was immediately tempted to say "Yeah, that would exist fun!"

Merely honestly, I wasn't interested. She was great in so many ways and I truly enjoyed getting to know her that evening, but I had no intention of asking her out again. Nosotros just didn't click.

Later giving it some thought, hither's how I responded:

Thank you, and I definitely will. And while I had a great time this evening (genuinely!), I'm non sure I really see things working out long term. I enjoyed getting to know you a little better—give thanks you for agreeing to go out!

Uncomplicated enough, correct?

She was cool about it. Here was her response:

I wasn't completely certain, but I had fun enough time talking that I had idea I would give information technology another shot. I understand though! Thanks again!

We wrapped up with a little more pocket-size talk and it ended positively.

Honestly, I just go along that response saved on my phone at present and tweak it to each state of affairs so it'south truthful and respectful. (Tacky? Maybe. I consider it efficient. It took me a long time to craft that response! You can use it, complimentary of accuse.)

Every time I respond in this way, I get a positive response, and both of us are able to move on without the uncomfortable guessing, avoiding, or worrying. Every time a adult female has responded to me in this style, the result is the same. I admire her fifty-fifty more for having the maturity to be straight, and am grateful to be able to move on without any question.

Agree? Disagree? How do y'all let someone down nicely? Mail service about it in the comments below.

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33 thoughts on "Not Interested in Dating Someone? Only Say Then."

I wish women would accept your communication. Instead they somehow manage to recall lying and stringing men forth is there easy way out? Shit gets so old.
That's a great response! Totally copying it. My method is telling them "even though you're nice and good looking, I simply don't call up nosotros're a fit. (I used to say in that location was no chemistry just have heard that can come off as offensive — as if they aren't sexually attractive. XD
1. Hi Jeanie,
  
  Right? And interesting insight on the "chemistry" piece—I hadn't thought of that, but could see how it could be interpreted that style. Best of luck with the dating!
  
  Michael
2. Concur x infinity!!! I love your response and copied information technology. I was recently abruptly let get afterwards being strung along. False words and promises. He said all the right things. Ugh! I'thousand non so much mad at him as I am at how he did information technology. I hate lies. Totally wasted my time.
  1. Ugh, I'g so sorry. Dating is crude!
    1. I have a 76 yr one-time man interested in me. I am 72. He knows my young man died one yr ago. He keeps flirting with me. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I am just not interested.
      1. Hello Pam,
        
        Not an easy state of affairs! My recommendation from the article still stands, though—existence direct and honest is the *kindest* way to let him down.
        
        Michael
  2. Totally agreed with beingness upfront from start if at that place'due south no interest afterwards trying to become to know someone. In my case, the guy called, texted, facetime; morning time, noon, and some late nights for about one-wk 1/2. Immediately ask me out after his BD wknd spent west/son (?). Anyway, following his BD, he calls adjacent morning time left msg. (excuse) for not calling later in day as promised, saying nosotros would talk subsequently. Later came, (8hrs) I txt to ask if he could talk. "not right now, I will ring you later". Never happened. Next 24-hour interval, no early on morn call or text. I waited, text to brand sure he'south okay. "thx for asking" was response, nada more. Nor did he call or txt subsequently. I said, to myself, no worries. Third solar day later BD, I text gm, he responded 2hrs. later, "GM hru". I text later, "practiced", is everything alright w/you. 60 minutes later, "I'm ok, thx for asking bs". I said enough is enough. I felt I was wasting my time, or beingness strung along for a ride. No official calls. WTF
    I merely text: Glad you're okay. Just asking, are you lot all the same interested in mtg for the wknd. Could exist wrong, but I sense a disconnect. 2hrs and counting went by.
    FYI: He told me he broke upwards w/his ex approx. 6-mo. prior to mtg me. I'm pretty intuitive. My guts told me they reconciled during his BD, and he does non have nerve to let me down easy, and or wants his cake /eat it as well.
    Thing about it I actually liked this guy.
    1. Ugh, that's no fun at all. Some other prime number case of how existence tactful-yet-direct is the kindest matter we tin do to those we interact with.
I've been up forepart and honest with men to the bespeak where I've really wound up saying cheers but I'm non interested to which I'm then attacked past being called actually foul names. I'g most too afraid to even endeavor chatting with men usually I'll say thanks for your interest but I'm merely actually non interested in going whatever further then I'one thousand attacked verbally. Maybe 1 or 2 out of the men I've said no cheers to have been absurd about it the others though "scary" doesn't come up close to their reactions. Alot is their thinking I'm down for anything which I'm not i merely don't get why men go so angry for no reason. I'thousand simply another adult female in a long line of women they've pursued so what gives?
As a women, we are often indirect near these things considering of:
A) fears of male violence – almost all women have been verbally abused past women for rejecting them (beingness called a b**** or a w****, etc.). All women have heard of instances of women being threatened, physically abused or fifty-fifty killed for rejecting men. It's simply not worth the risk
B) socialization – possibly considering of A, women are socialized from a very immature age to exist nice and not stone the gunkhole
I never show interest in women (even though I may be very interested) considering no adult female has ever shown interest in me. I've seen in several places that women usually initiate by giving hints to guys they like. Since I never get whatsoever hints from women, I don't bother.
I'm not interested in dating at all, simply I do enjoy talking and socializing. I never flirt, I don't respond to flirting, and I don't lead women on. My problem is they get upset because I won't ask them out. Merely I don't experience like I demand to give them a reason. No ane is entitled to a date with anyone. Short of eliminating all social contact with women (a tempting choice), how can I prevent them from becoming upset with me?
1. I totally understand John. I like my ain space and often tell men that I savour company and socializing, but I don't wish for information technology to get whatsoever further. I detect that existence direct up forepart stops people from expecting it to atomic number 82 somewhere. I also make it articulate to men that they are welcome to sever the friendship if necessary for their own feelings.
  1. Hi Niya,
    
    This is a nifty approach. Honest, directly, and boundaried. Well done.
    
    Michael
    1. Hello Michael,
      
      I recently only told the guy I've been dating for a few months that's I didn't feel the relationship was progressing into what I wanted, therefor wanting to move on. I was very overnice and respectful. His response was very passive aggressive and feels that sending the bulletin via text was a crime.
      1. Hi Elizabeth,
        
        I'one thousand distressing yous're in that situation—it'south never easy catastrophe a human relationship. Without knowing the details of the situation, it's tough for me to annotate in depth. I will say, though, that ending a human relationship over text more often than not isn't advisable. My examples in this article pertain to situations where someone has expressed interest in dating, or maybe going out on a second date, not for times when y'all're already in a relationship and wanting to break up. So my apologies if that was not clear. I'm a large proponent of phone or in-person conversations for anything that is difficult, sensitive, or emotionally charged.
        
        And so if you haven't done and so already, yous might consider calling him up, validating the fact that breaking up over text wasn't the best thought (e.g. "I'm sorry for sending that text—that's not a great way to share something like this…I wanted to be certain I worded it well, but I realize now that it would have been more advisable to call," or any feels right to you lot) and so promise he is more respectful during your conversation in render.
        
        Simply if he lashes out or goes passive-ambitious on you, you practice non need to sit and accept that. It's entirely advisable to say what yous need to say, and so kindly wrap things up: "I'm simply not feeling information technology. Thanks for the fourth dimension we had together and I wish y'all the best."
        
        Once again, my middle goes out to you—I sometimes feel it's harder existence the 1 to end a human relationship than being on the receiving end. No fun at all.
        
        Michael
2. Howdy John,
  
  That is a tricky situation, to be sure. Y'all absolutely have every correct to want to build friendships and not take them into the flirting or dating realm. As to how best to communicate that to these women, that would differ from instance to instance. If you'd like to provide a specific example, I'd be happy to suggest some means to arroyo information technology. In general, though, information technology will exist important to call back that while in that location are ways to tactfully approach the situation to increment their chances of agreement or respecting your boundaries, they still may still cull to take it personally or reply poorly. If they want yous to ask them out and detect out you lot aren't interested, they're going to be disappointed. No manner around that. But we of class hope they're emotionally healthy plenty to not take that out on y'all.
  
  Michael
Hello Michael,
Thank you for your post. I broke upwards with a human being I dated a few months ago. He texts or emails me about every two months and the advice problem still hasn't resolved. When I finally chosen to propose we talk in person instead of texting and talking he agreed then at present he'due south and then cold. We broke it off considering we agreed we were exclusive and then one twenty-four hour period the a dating app popped up aNd plainly he was however online. He felt horrible and I said I understand people make mistakes but I can't forget it. And then when I saw him again he couldn't respond to what he wanted. I asked him again if I was what he wanted and he said he didn't know. I just don't know what to practice. His texts are cold and doesn't even bother to ask how I am doing etc. please advise on how I should respond. I don't like beingness treated this manner if I didn't exercise anything wrong just dear him.
A reminder to the women commenting, this article was written by a man. Information technology'due south non simply women who are socialized to be nice, nosotros all are. And while women might fear physical corruption, just think how much men fear psychological corruption that ruins our reputation, our work, our lives, when nosotros decline some women. I'd much rather become a punch in the face. What I have found works is that you must reject them there and then at the end of the date earlier they get a sniff. Alternatively, if you are unsure then yous say "I really don't see this going anywhere but I'thou open up to a second appointment." Doing it through text I would experience is more for the person who doesn't accept rejection and keeps on texting. This and then is bear witness that y'all accept written information technology with respect if the rejected starts getting defamatory.
I've been in a LDR with a very dainty guy for iii months. The more I've gotten to know virtually him the more I'm not sure this human relationship is working for me. Everytime I want to voice that he says how compatible he feels we are and happy he is near things. Information technology'south evident that I'm anxious and not so happy anymore. I've been feeling similar is at that place something incorrect with me that I'm non comfortable anymore ? He's a good guy only lacking things I feel I personally need. We haven't spent much fourth dimension in person nonetheless. Is it dragging it out to wait on that opportunity or is waiting just to peradventure intermission up worse ? Thankyou for this post !
1. Howdy Anonymous,
  
  That's a tough one. I will say, there's nothing wrong with you for not being interested in someone. That'south why nosotros date—to see if a relationship has staying ability (and to see if we're willing to put in the work required to brand that human relationship stay great, because I'm not aware of whatsoever relationship that just stays astonishing without work 😉 ). If y'all feel the human relationship could benefit from spending more time in person, and you're willing to await for that, great! Simply if not, I would be conscientious to not let feelings of what you "should" or "shouldn't" practise arrive the way of what your heart tells you.
  
  Michael
Cheers! I'm besides going to have to save that. The guy I wasn't interested in replied: " All expert… Not going to waste matter my time and yours… You lot have care and skilful luck…" he also mentioned I should have told him sooner, but tbh I was even so on the fence.
1. Hi Pamela,
  
  Nice work. And I'm happy to hear that guy respond well to it. Cheers for sharing!
  1. Thank you for writing this article. I'g 52 and haven't dated in 35 years, so this is all new. I have a big heart (probably why I'm a teacher) and am ever worried about hurting feelings. Especially when they take expressed feelings for me. I even let it keep going thinking I will get more attracted to them somehow. Just then information technology just gets harder to gracefully bow out.
    I googled how to word things, went not interested. Your communication stood out! This dating thing is barbarous in my stance.
    Give thanks you lot again for your wisdom and clarity.
    1. Howdy DeAun,
      
      Cheers for your comment. And my hat'due south off to you for jumping back in; I'm certain much has changed in 35 years, and no—dating is never easy!
      
      Michael
I'g 43. A 61 human told me that he likes me. We come across last year when I took my lawnmower in to be worked on and brought it back to him to work on it this twelvemonth. Problem is I'm not physically attracted to him. Nosotros talked ii weeks ago on Sunday in person, which was great, and then silence for 2 weeks. Today he calls me. He seemed to exist a adept guy til the silent handling. I don't know what to practice. I experience similar he was looking for a wife. Reason I'grand saying that is because I told him I felt like "marriage is overrated", he'due south been married three times- me twice. I'm not looking to get married over again.
1. Hi Anna, I'm sorry y'all've been on the receiving end of the "ghosting." Non a fun or easy spot to be in at all.
  
  Michael
  1. Michael,
    
    I met a guy (younger than me) a few years dorsum, we went out, I had a good time and it turned in a one night stand (for me). We spoke a few times and seen each other in passing, but I really wasn't interested. However, periodically he will see a postal service of mine on social media and he will reach out, wanting to accept sex activity once more. He says, he "really enjoyed the sex, and would similar to come across me and that he is not interested in a human relationship". I have never taken him up on the offer, tho. Even so, he continues to text me periodically.
    
    This time tho, he has been texting me for virtually a month, consistently and nevertheless just wants sex. I accept told him that I am non interested in just that, I want a relationship, (not necessarily with him though), thinking that would go him to go away, it didn't. He continues to text, good morn, how are you, etc.. He'due south not a bad guy, I am just not into him.
    
    How do I tell him to cease contacting me without being harsh nearly it?
    1. Hi Anonymous,
      
      Commencement off, kudos to y'all for belongings your ground and addressing your needs. As to how to answer, it obviously depends on the contempo chat, what your human relationship looked like, etc. But in full general, you might consider preparing a more final response for the side by side time he reaches out. So if he letters you again request for sex, yous might say, "No, thank you. As I've mentioned earlier, I'grand not interested in a coincidental relationship. I enjoyed our time together *and* I ask that you please not message me again. Cheers and I wish you all the all-time."
      
      Michael
How-do-you-do Michael – smashing commodity, but surprising from my perspective. It'south been the other mode around for me (I'm a 47 twelvemonth erstwhile woman). I've been dating online pretty actively the terminal couple of years. I've probably met a dozen or so men and have chatted with more of grade. In some instances information technology was articulate to me that I did not want to date the guy, and I allow them know immediately over text. They responded kindly and appreciatively to me every single time. Just more situations involved conversations or dates that were lovely, but the guy did non stay engaged by standing the conversation over text or setting up another call or date. My read on the situation has typically been that they are not interested enough to stay engaged, but want to keep my number in instance something else doesn't work out. After about ane-2 weeks of sensing this, I send a nice message like to what you advise above and cut it off. Once more, they have always responded kindly and wished me well. I really don't enjoy being in that greyness surface area with men that I would consider dating again. I wish they would just tell me they're non interested. Or should I mayhap go along these doors open in case something does work out? I don't go emotional about these situations, only I admittedly don't like the idea of the guy wanting to keep me effectually "just in instance". Any communication?
1. Hullo Suzanne,
  
  It sounds similar the situation you lot've described is what I speak to in the article – how difficult information technology is existence the one interested in someone, but getting mixed signals in return. They don't proceed the conversations flowing, they are ever "busy" when y'all inquire to do something, etc. In those instances, I institute myself wishing the other person would just tell me they weren't interested rather than leave me guessing. Candor is kind!
  
  Michael
I'g a woman and get this from men all the fourth dimension. It's and so infuriating considering I am quite straight, always in a polite way, and all I want is to know where I stand up with someone. Too many times I have had countless text 'situationships' with men where they seem very engaged but never actually ask you out to meet. You tin can't write them off yet but it's a dissatisfying state of affairs. So so I ask them out (this is usually at nigh the date #3 mark) and it's a vague response that is oftentimes still unclear. Honestly, why can't anyone just be upfront anymore. Particularly when we're all communicating via messages these days anyhow, how scary can information technology possibly exist to just say 'expect, I had a great fourth dimension, information technology was lovely to meet you, but I just didn't experience the chemical science i'd hoped for' or something?… Anything. Just be upfront every bit presently as possible. Life is too brusque to be stringing people forth and sadly when you are on the receiving cease of this behavior over and over again you get jaded and reluctant to go involved with anyone.